Alice in Murderland (2010)

Alice in Murderland aka The Alice in Murderland Murders (2010)



http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1753422/

My Synopsis: Somebody watched a bunch of B-rated slasher movies from the 70's and decided they could do one, while sort of adapting Alice in Wonderland.

Comments:
I love B horror as much as the next person. Hell, I'm even working on the script for one involving zombies as I write this review. What it is I love about them is their over the top camp (Piranha) overacting (Sleepaway Camp I - ??), insane story lines (Toxic Avenger) and ability to be taken seriously as a cult classic work of art (revisit those movies mentioned earlier). Of course there is also those low budgets that blew away all the usual conventions by being amazing on all levels (Halloween). I've always felt it was best to walk into B rated movies with very low expectations and let the film maker play with their low budget in the hopes that they amaze me with something I never would have expected. Usually that's delivered via fantastic cinematography, bad blood and gore, and/or kitchy humor that tells me even the film makers didn't take their subject matter too seriously. That is what seems to be the formula for the best B movies. Either it's brilliant despite it's low budget or it has no problem making fun of itself and the conventions it's playing with.

Alice in Murderland aka The Alice in Murderland Murders (2010) is, without argument, as low budget as one can get. Now I haven't done the research and don't even remember how it came to my attention. But as is usually the case I'm sure the whole reason I got turned onto it in the first place was the title. It promised some inner workings that payed homage to a literary masterpiece that is scary and disturbing. That can't be a bad thing, can it? I'll answer that in a moment. All I'll say at this time is it looked, felt, and sounded like a student project film. Most likely controlled by one of the many women in it. But first, did it really have anything to do with Alice in Wonderland?

As quick as I can, the real synopsis in brief...
We open with a woman being shown a house to buy. The buyer and the seller don't appear to like each other much and we don't know why. Something that has to do with the buyers daughter Alice who is very young. Eventually the seller kills the buyer in the basement. Flash to college aged Alice and her college girlfriends. All of them have issues from being stupid to being morbid. The popular girl is also dating Alice's ex-boyfriend. Each girl pretty much represents a common stereotype. The 'I don't care about anyone' girl is Alice's best friend and is determined Alice gets an 'Alice in Wonderland' themed birthday party, conveniently enough, in the old house that her mother was killed in which is now owned by her professor/uncle. He is the only guy invited to the party which makes him either gay or extremely creepy. The actor does a reasonably decent job convincing as much. As the party progresses, a half dozen girls, one professor/uncle/house owner (all dressed as Wonderland characters, the owner/uncle insisted on being the Mad Hatter, further misdirection), and the ex/boyfriend who sneaks in, systematically get cornered and butchered by the uninvited Jaberwocky, singling out Alice, of course.

Wasn't it nice if me to not ruin the end for you? Well I guess that depends on whether you not you've been keeping up with the reviews. If a movie total and complete schlock I usually have no qualms with giving away endings. Though this one is far from worthwhile i don't feel the need to ruin it further because I strongly believe it does a good enough job for itself. That kind of self destruction is probably worth finding out for yourself. But I do have some criticism before you do.

The cinematography was less that not specially. There were no interesting camera angles or tricks. I'm pretty sure it sat on a tripod the whole time. The acting is best described as future porn stars trying to act. Yea, even creepy uncle/professor guy. The women all played static stereotypical characters. They didn't even play them well, mediocre at best and as stuck into one stereotype as they were they even failed to over act. With the possible exception of Alice, she started out blame and ended WTF? that is partially the stories fault but mostly cuz she wasn't any good. I think she probably wrote the film. Which brings me to story... The Alice in Wonderland connection was flimsy. It only appears in the form of the lead bing named Alice and that hey have a masquerade dressed as characters. The reason I won't give away the end is because it is your basic whose doing it slasher movie that by the end, given the information you're left with, you may find yourself not really caring. I guess what bugs me the most is the brutalization of a literary classic. Nothing concrete connects! I mean, in all reality I think a writer of porn would do better connecting to it. In fact I've probably seen that one, a Cheshire cat and Alice doing things I thought I forgot. Anyway, let's get to the gore!

Usually the use of gorein a B-rated horror is where you can expect to laugh, but in this I think it just comes off as pathetic. In one notable scene a victim is gutted and their innards explode onto the surface without the evidence of a cut even been made. Speaking of cuts, there was a lot if stabbing and spewing blood, who actually got stabbed and where the blood came from is unknown. Now the girl glued to the toilet seat was pretty funny when she got her butt cheeks ripped off.

So rating this one is a no brainer, which only makes sense because making it didn't require one either. With everything I've said I give 2 out of 5. It would be a great film to show to students as demonstration of what not to do. I give it a two because it does have one my favorite lines I've ever heard in a brain dead slasher spoken by the brain dead girl... "I don't see how she could be a Psychology major. She never talks!" isn't a psychologists job to listen? I really hope this was a student film, but hen find myself lamenting the state of film schools. I was in a better short then this and we didn't have any money or blood and gore. But there i go, making myself sound so awesome again. I do apologize, as the makers of this movie should.
To purchase visit:
http://www.amazon.com/Alice-Murderland-Malerie-Grady/dp/B004BZ5ANW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1300686346&sr=8-1
Til next we bleed,
JP

Court testimony NM#100235 10 JAN 2010 PA (Post Apocolypse)

Court testimony NM#100235 10 JAN 2010 PA (Post Apocolypse)

1 (Court called to order)
2 (Defendant present)
3 (Defendant testimony)
4 (9:05 am)

5 MR. JONES: The main reason I am here is because I will miss her. I mean, all it took was a
6 quick blow to the head...
7 JURY GROANS. COURT DEMANDS ORDER. DEFENDANT'S ATTORNEY OBJECTS.
8 COURT OVERULES.
9 MR. JONES: Wait a minute, it wasnt me! I know what you're thinking and your judging me
10 before I can even complete the sentence! I mean, the son of a bitch bit her! Can you believe it?
11 He fuckin' bit her on the arm! The autopsy clearly shows that she was not only bitten on the
12 arm, which ripped away tons of skin, that no one can find by the way, but also the neck, back
13 and torso. Seriously, do you think I did that?
14 DEFENDANT'S ATTORNEY OBJECTS.
15 MR. JONES: No, no, no, let me finish! You asked for my side of everything, I dont care if you
16 are my lawyer, I intend to tell 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth.' Anyway she fell down 17 the stairs, not just the first flight but all five. With that bastard still attached to her knawing
18 away at her chest. The autopsy shows that too, doesn't it? Human bites that ripped away flesh all
19 over her stomach? I mean shit, he ate her tits man, seriously, what the hell? I even ran down
20 after them screaming bloody murder. I still had the knife in my hand of course, and damn sure
21 bet you I was ready to use it on that bastard! Attacking my wife? I don't care if you never found
22 the that bastard! I stabbed him fifteen times in the damn back. After the first few I even counted.
23 At least fifteen times! If I'm a murderer for killing that freak than so be it. But I did not kill my
24 wife! I love... loved her...
25 DEFENDANT'S ATTORNEY: So then you took her home?
26 MR. JONES: Yeah, I gathered up what was left of her and took her home. Laid her down on the
27 couch and even covered her with a blanket. She seemed to be shivering, I don't know what I
28 was thinking, maybe I thought she'd be okay if she had a chance to rest. How was I to know she
29 was already dead. I just sat there, with her legs on my lap like we always do. She seemed to be
30 in such a deep sleep I couldn't I couldn't bare to wake her. She was still breathing then, I swear
31 it, I saw it, what was left of her chest rising and falling like she always does in peaceful sleep...
32 so peaceful I eventually joined her and I dozed there, like I always do, as if nothing was
33 different, accept it was...
34 DEFENDANT'S ATTORNEY: Accept it was what?
35 MR. JONES: When I woke she was standing over me, looking down at me as if I wasn't really
36 there at all. As if... I don't know, maybe she thought I wasn't real, wasn't really me or
37 something? I was still groggey, not quite remembering what had happened only a few hours
38 before. So I said... “Hey beautiful” and she said nothing. But she did grin, one of those pit-bull 39 grins that show all teeth, you know what I mean? Then she leaned in towards me, like she
40 wanted a kiss or something, only I wasn't so sure, with that toothy grin and all, and I shrunk
41 back, held out an arm to hold her back, like, hold on honey, you looking like you're a little
42 weird. I think I even said that, “Hold on honey, you don't look good.” then her snapped together 43 and she got more insistant, snapping away those teeth as she kept forcing her way towards me,
44 pushing against my arm like it wasn't even there. Eying me like I was a piece of meet or
45 something. I mean, she looked hungry! I was, like, “hey, I'll make you something to eat!” And 46 she was like chomping away. I don't know, but I suddenly realized the knife was still gripped in
47 my hand. How it managed to stay there so damn long is a mystery even to me. But it came up in
48 reflex, stabbing at her beautiful face... Oh god her face, I stabbed her pretty face, I don't know 49 how many times, I didn't count this time. I just flailed away, stab, stab, stab, until... as the
50 coroner said.. the knife found her ear and entered her brain. So clinical he made it sound. Not
51 like she was a real person at all, a person I love. Then she fell to the floor. Dead I guess. Dead. I
52 miss her so much.
53 ATTORNEY FOR THE STATE OBJECTS.
54 MR. JONES: You gotta believe me, if I'da thought she was her... I mean really her, the woman
55 I'd married and love, I never woulda... I mean, I love... loved her...”
56 OBJECTION SUSTAINED. LAST STATEMENT ORDERED STRICKEN FROM RECORD.

Notes: this subject was found guilty of first degree man slaughter. One of many under same types of conditions and for similar crimes.

Addendum: This particular subject was slated to be executed via lethal inject under New Mexico's reinstated death penalty of March 2011. The date of said execution was supposed to take place on May 17th, 2014. This of course never happened since we have documents showing that an outbreak hit the prison he was held in on April 8th, 2012. It is believed he was one of those beheaded in the initial riot there.

Buried (2010)

Buried (2010)



http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1462758/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buried_%28film%29

My Synopsis: Ryan Reynolds is buried alive in a wooden box in order to bring us an hour and a half one man show, and pulls it off!



Comments:
When my Creepercast cohort (Jason) brought this movie to my attention I was apprehensive. First, it bothered me this movie would only be shown in select theaters and apparently not at any place where either of us could go see it. If you listen to one of our episodes late last year you'll hear he and I make a pact to review both it - to be presented by Jason, and 'Let Me In' - to be presented by me, alas, here it is four months later and I only recently managed to publish a review for 'Let Me In' here but promise to make a show out of it in the near future. Hopefully Jason will still be presenting his take on 'Buried' in an upcoming show as well. In the meantime I will attempt to give my take on the movie in the following paragraphs. Secondly, I had several misgivings as to whether or not even the great Mr. Reynolds could pull off a one man show of such magnitude and still be able to keep the audience interested. As you will soon discover in my review.

I was dead wrong about all my misgivings. At three minutes into the movie I was pretty sure I wasn't. The next time I bothered to look at the clock 45 minutes had flown by. That's how sucked into the movie I had become. Here are some reasons why... The primary fear being played with is obviously claustrophobia. It is one of those fears I have but was sure the director and Ryan wouldn't be able to make me share with them. Unfortunately for me I was wrong, but still I watched spellbound waiting for the spell to broken by something ridiculous. It never happened. With that said...

Ryan Reynolds is trapped in a coffin buried in the Iraqi dessert with a cell phone, a flask, his anxiety medication, a zippo lighter, a pen, and I knife. I hope I'm forgetting anything because each item becomes a character as well. Especially the cell phone. It is the method by which we learn about the man known as Paul Conroy, why he is there and all his strengths and weaknesses. All via his conversations with those he calls in the hopes of someone finding him and rescuing him from certain suffocating death. We share in his frustrations dealing with his employer and government officials, we go through the 5 stages of death with him. We suffer every moment from the realization his team of contractors had been attacked by insurgents, his many arguments with the terrorist that may or may not let him go, and the heartbreaking conversation he finally has with his wife. And as silly as it may sound, I couldn't help but hold my breath and freeze when the black asp crawled in by my...errr... his feet. 



Giving the subject matter the entire film felt like a ripped from the headlines true story. Therefore I pretty much figured I knew how it was going to end and was pretty confident that there wasn't much Ryan and the director could do that would make me feel like it could possibly end any differently. I was wrong about that too. This movie seriously plays with your emotions and I was batting 0 in expectations. On the true story angle I was also wrong, I could find no news articles that could tie in with the story. That's how good this film is. But here's what I did find out...

Nobody wanted to back this movie, mostly because they had as much confidence in Reynolds acting ability as I did. When it finally got some money it was filmed over 17 days in Barcelona Spain by fringe director Rodrigo Cortes and penned by on the edge writer/director Christopher Sparling. The film cost less than 2 million to make. Did amazingly at Sundance but only took in 18 million at the box office (that's after a mediocre short run and less than that national - I can't help but wonder how well it would've done if it was marketed as "ripped from the headlines?') Still, it comes very highly critically acclaimed, it always seems to be those that are truly the best films. All I can say is Van Wilder has turned into an amazing actor under the right direction.



So the next question is how do I rate and recommend this movie? Well the rating is easy and I think, for the first time ever, I will be glad a movie did not meet my expectations, especially when I expected the worst. Ryan and co. took me on an emotional roller coaster that left me struck dumb and hating the guy who suggested I watch it. I let him know by the way. After watching it during my 2 hour break between news segments I was so wrung out the only way I could go back to late night news was by taking out my frustrations on poor Jason. It began with a text in which I simply said "I hate you for sharing!" which I followed up with a post on facebook.com/creepercast in which I reiterated such hatred and explained myself for doing so. Then, a few days later, I told my boss (a fellow film lover) all about this hardly known mind screw. I did it in pretty much the same way I am doing so now, without giving away any of the important story elements that will wrench your soul. This was enough for them to put it in the Netflix cue. A week later do you know what they said to me (after obviously having seen it)? That's right, my own words to Jason came back to haunt me. For some reason hearing his gave me some sick satisfaction. It was like my inspiring someone else to be psychologically messed up by the movie that affected me in the same way was strangely cathartic.

Thus I recommend this movie to everyone with all my heart! Leave lots of 'I hate you' messages either here or on the Creepercast Facebook! It is far from the worst movie I've suggested and worth all of  your hatred. Then I recommend you pass it on and see if your friends hatred isn't just as cathartic for you!

Til next we bleed,
JP

Please purchase this or any other movie I have mentioned via the Creepercast amazon link. This one can be found at 
http://www.amazon.com/Buried-Two-Disc-Blu-ray-DVD-Combo/dp/B003L20IFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1299041936&sr=1-1 

Let Me In (2010)

Let Me In (2010)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1228987/

My Synopsis: Wimpy human boy meets tough vampire girl who turns him into a man. The movie ‘Twilight’ should have been; dark, disturbing, and with more blood.

Comments:
If you listen to the Creepercast (www.creepercast.com) most of last year you would have heard me raving about the fact this movie was made in the state I now reside. You also would have heard me gush about my love for the Swedish original 'Let the Right One In' (2008) and express concerns about an American remake. Mostly I questioned why it was the needed. The original is brilliant in every way, all it could possible be lacking for the American audience is to be in their language and maybe an over abundance of blood and gore. To its credit, the original's DVD release does contain an English overdub track to make it sound more pleasing to he average American's ears. Personally I found it annoying and reminiscent of the old Japanese martial arts movies in which overdub adds a level of humor that is befitting of the films content. That is to say, over the top and unintentionally comedic fight scenes purely for the sake of having said scenes. Therefore I was more than happy to read subtitles in favor of watching this melodrama without thinking of Bruce Lee. Yet I digress as usual, the point is that my expectations of the remake were 50/50. I really wanted it to be spectacular but was apprehensive as to whether it could be any better or would even do the original justice.



Guess I should explain, I am a firm believer that remakes (for the person who has seen the original - there's a reason I make this distinction) should both stay true to the original while adding something (new interpretation, cinematically, characterization, etc) that in some way makes it better than or adds too the original. Take 'Dawn of the Dead' for instance... The remake ramped up the blood and gore, added smarter harder to kill zombies, expanded the characters individual plot lines, and took some major cinematic strides. Though I don't feel it replaces the original it undoubtedly made the story better and added much to the mythos it created. When educating a friend on zombie movies last year it's the first one we showed her before going back to 'Night of the Living Dead' for origination. I didn't go into 'Dawn' for a discussion on zombies though. It was just an example of what people who watch originals come to expect from remakes.

Now back to 'Let Me In,' the child actors were dead on, the movie was almost shot for shot the same only the English dialog matched their lips. In fact, with the notable exception of more blood, a more frantic pacing (as opposed to the deliberately slow build interrupted by scenes of unrest) at least one rearranged scene and several small omissions (I say small when actually they seemed integral to the boy/girl relationship that was blossoming although never to be, and I don't think the relationship between the girl and the old man was really understandable) this would almost be the same exact movie. So, no real addition to the original.

As to the Americanization of the story, it was filmed and takes place in Los Lunas, New Mexico (a fact I constantly raved about) during winter; whereas the original was obviously in a Swiss winter wonderland. The main operative theme deals with isolation. The boy is ostracized by his peers, pretty much ignored by mother, his father is absent, and he lives in place locked into ice most of the time. This is an important dynamic to character that I feel loses potency. First, the average snow fall for Los Lunas, N.M. is about 6 inches from December to March with the highest recorded month of February getting near 14 inches, which is a lot for New Mexico, but hardly constitutes an arctic isolation. Maybe these statistics only matter to me because I live here. Even so, the isolation factor is severely limited. Although I do give the cinematographers props for making it look like an artic wasteland, it isn’t really. And since I mentioned the absentee father in this paragraph I will address it here as well. In the original the father makes an appearance and we discover that he is probably gay, on the same token his mother is a religious zealot. Very important elements that molded this boys character that are absent from the remake.



Now I made a distinction earlier between those who have the original and those who have not. Here’s why… for those who haven’t seen the original, or despise subtitles and don’t want to be distracted by comedic overdub, this is a fantastic movie. Chloe Moretz is more than able to be convincing as the girl vampire and Kodi Smitz-McPhee is an exact duplicate to the troubled outcast boy. Like I mentioned before, it is almost an exact replica to the original in many of the ways that matter. The 80’s time period becomes a even more integral backdrop and the relationship between the two actors is amazing chemistry. This is the movie that ‘Twilight’ should have been, troubled adolescence and a volatile relationship developing between a vampire and a human. We have a real stereotypical vampire and a real stereotypical troubled boy (who could have easily become Dexter if the right conditions were met). Also we have Richard Jenkins as the vampire companion. He’s a perfect duplicate to the original even though the story seems quiet vague as to what his involvement with the girl really is; while the original is pretty obvious.

In all, if you haven’t seen the original, and have to see it as a Hollywood movie that meets the conditions I mentioned earlier (no subs or bad overdub) than it is a must see. But if you want a better understanding of the story that the film is presenting, and are a purist in anyway, this remake has nothing for you. In fact it is cheating you of some integral story points, fantastic acting and exact re-enactments aside.

Notice I didn’t really tell you much about the story. That’s because the summary pretty much fills you in and what I left out is important to be witnessed oneself. As I mentioned before, my expectations were 50/50 on this movie and it delivered. That being the case I can not outwardly condone it because, like I said, if you cant stand the presentation of the original but still want a worthwhile vampire movie then I am all for it. The closest thing I could compare it to is ‘Twilight’ and as far as a worthy addition to the Vampire mythos I am going to back up ‘Let Me In.’ But if I were to choose between the two versions on merit and worth I’m a purist. That being the case, I will leave it up to you to decide which you’d rather see but strongly suggest if you watch the remake and like it, give the original a shot. There’s so much more to the story than the remake can give you.

Farewell from the beasts and I,
JP

Please purchase this or any other movie I have mentioned via the Creepercast amazon link. This one can be found at http://www.amazon.com/Let-Me-Chloe-Grace-Moretz/dp/B004BLJQOK/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1298925119&sr=1-1

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179891/

My synopsis: The guy from Supernatural faces off against a murderous miner, twice! Only to find they are intimately connected (cue dramatic music)!

Comments:
So, not wanting to buy into the hype this last Valentines Day, Sara and I decided to stay in. I made an (dare I say) awesome spaghetti dinner and using my usual sick sense of humor decided it was finally time to watch the remake of another one of those 80's reboots of slasher films that didn't need it. Yes, I have seen the original (1981) but it has been long enough that I pretty much forgot about what it was about. That is other than a crazy miner killing people on what just happened to be Valentines Day. No, I haven't watched it since seeing this remake. So I will be treating it as a work unto itself. That much said, as usual, my sense of morbidity once again ended in torture. But as I've said before, I do it all for you!

On a side note: am I the only one that is bugged by the fact it's called Valentines Day when it is actually Valentine's Day? It's a day that belongs to someone, not a day in which you receive anything, although Saint Valentine might have given himself to a lot of people. In the form we use it today I imagine it is actually a yearly get together in which the Valentine family gets together for a cook out, play horse shoes, an meet the significant others of cousins they remember as babies. But I digress, this is a movie review after all...

Ok, quick recent history, 2007 is when the great James Cameron and friends revitalized the amazing world of 3D video. Those who listen to the Creepercast (www.creepercast.com) already know my opinion on this 'rebirth' so I won't get into that now (I know, I know, this from the guy that spouted off about Valentine(')s Day) but just like following it's original conception the horror movie industry was quick to jump on that band wagon. Who wouldn't want to experience the 'real' action of a pick axe flying right at you! Absolutely, everyone! And that's what the makers of My Bloody Valentine was counting when they became one of the first to adapt the new 3D technology. Was this a good ploy? I can't say for sure since we saw it in normal TV D. But it was a fun game guessing where the 3D was. Maybe fun isn't the word, funny is more like it since it was pretty obvious and not very original. It did alleviate boredom though. I'm sure the original theater goers loved the campy-ness even though I don't think they meant it to be funny. That's also where this movie fails the most, it seems to take itself way to serious. Which, when it comes to 3D horror and as I've said before, is an oxymoron (see Piranha 3D (2010) for how it should be). But enough about 3D, this review is in normal D.

First I must admit my stupidity, when I initially saw the main character I thought it was Casper Van Dean. For anyone who knows who he is you understand why I immediately knew that the movie was going to take it self ridiculously serious (for those who don't know who he is I suggest watching Starship Troopers (1997) which brilliantly takes itself seriously, on purpose). I continued to believe it was him because the first ten minutes totally delivered on that expectation. Yes there was great pick axe dismemberments, although an impressive use of the weapon it was really bad effects. Yes, I did eventually realize it was the Supernatural guy, which only caused me to lament his involvement in the rest of the movie. Sadly, he is also the only actor of note, at least to me three days later. There were a few familiar faces. You know, whatshisname/hername that are in everything? Yeah, them.

Ok, let's see, I mentioned Valentine's Day, remake, 3D, and Casper. Whats next? Oh yeah!  The story!

Ever since Halloween (1978) successfully built a franchise around a slasher attack that just happened to coincide with a holiday there has been unsuccessful copycats. Mostly because they work so hard to incorporate the holiday whereas Carpenter somehow managed to make it look like a happy accident. Even so, you'd think fully working the holiday in and a title like My Bloody Valentine would be brilliant! I mean just imagine the possibilities! But, this isn't really. 

As previously mentioned the premise is based on a miner that, while trapped in a cave, freaks out and brutally murders all his companions. We don't get to actually see this, since it is just back back story we get filled in on as the movie the starts. What we get to see is the miner attack and slaughter a bunch of teens that visit the mine some short time later before being shot by a cop that was chasing him.  Now I must admit I don't remember if either of the first attacks happened on Valentines Day, or how much time elapsed from cave freak out to teen slaughter. I do remember the teens being dismembered in interesting ways with a pick axe. It did dominate the first ten minutes which I'm sure contained at least three 3D scenes. Anyway, ten or so years later, somewhere around Valentines Day (we know this because there are Valentines) the only guy to survive the attack (Mr. Supernatural) returns home in the hopes of reuniting with the only girl to survive that use to be his girlfriend before he left. Alas, the rekindle is not meant to be since she has been married to the town Sherif (another guy they more or less grew up with but missed the slaughter). Also, unfortunate for the town and our survivors, the 'dead' freaked out miner has also returned to wreck havoc!

So now we have a Scream style slasher mystery! Complete with bloody Valentines! Now if the history of slasher movies has taught us anything its always to never suspect the obvious culprit and never rule out the least obvious. For those of you who may want to see this movie I won't ruin it, watching the writers try and weave their webs of deception is almost interesting (laughably). What I will say is in the last half hour of the movie they managed to throw a lot of information to confuse, lead, and deceive, only to meet original expectations. Damn, I might have spoiled it for you after all. But come on, the ending is in the title!

So how to rate this one... Well I give it credit for working the Valentines angle although I feel it gave us very little to go on, the love triangle was barely existent and therefor a waste of time. Also no points for making it feel like the holiday was a happy accident since I've already given points for intentionally working that angle (although badly). Giving one acting point for Supernatural guy branching out but taking away two for making me think he was Casper. Going to go five for pick axe killing taking two away for bad effects. Giving ten for campy but they lose seven for taking it too serious (I would have let them keep most of the points taken away if they would have let the camp flow). So that's something like a two out of five. So in final, I'd say if you are believer in the idea that Valentines Day is just another way for greeting card companies, expensive restaurants, jewelers, and florists to make money then spaghetti and this movie isn't a bad substitute. Otherwise maybe you should go to see any chick flick that might avoid you dealing with a bummed out partner. Luckily Sara is understanding about my masochism and enjoys to join in on occasion. At least that is what she let's me think. Best girlfriend ever! Oh, and I did get her a chocolate rose which she finally ate the other night. I have yet to eat the plant she got me, it's just too awesome!

Please purchase this or any other movie I have mentioned via the Creepercast amazon link. This one can be found at http://www.amazon.com/Bloody-Valentine-Special-Paul-Kelman/dp/B001JFZ122/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298001759&sr=8-1

The Horde (2009)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1183276/

Sara's Synopsis: and I quote; "it's like someone wanted to make this awesome cop drama but realized it sucked so threw in zombies!"

Comments: I love zombie movies! No, seriously, there's a reason I amwriting one, I want to be a member of the same club as the great Romero; and I think I have a pretty cool idea. Besides that I talk about them constantly on The Creepercast, I bask in the glory of AMC's 'The Walking Dead' (of which we discuss live, as it happens, during commercials, on The Creepercast Presents 'The Walking Dead' live podcast). Along with that, then, I obviously love to watch any and all zombie movies no matter how good or bad. That includes 'The Horde (Le Horde)' brought to us by a want to be Romero in France. I have to say honestly, the zombie part of the movie is awesome, and I have admitted on the regular podcast that I understand that zombie movies are more about human interaction than cannibalism and headshots. I also realize that if you cut all the drama out of this movie it would only be about 30 minutes long. But I also don't think that would necessarily be a bad thing.

Ok, here's the web of drama in brief - so these cops are operating off the grid with the intent of wiping out these gangsters that killed a partner. We find out later the dead cop was operating off the grid when he got killed and is the baby daddy of the only female member of the team thus a love triangle between the dead cop, the female cop, and his brother the cop. Both of which, with a couple others, are the ones seeking revenge. The two main gangsters are brothers originally from Nigeria where really bad things happened to them. The leader brother is ruthless but sensible while his younger sibling is impetuous and easily lead astray by their sick and twisted companion "the Carny." Apparently their thing is cocaine since there is a lot of it. Both groups have a couple other members but they are mostly there to be shot or eaten. Oh, and there's also this old guy that serves as comedic relief and the buffer between the cops and gangsters. He's pretty sick and twisted himself having been in the great war and refers to everyone not worthy of life as chinks. Bored yet? Well then good thing this all happens at the same time as the zombie apocalypse!



As Sara mentioned in her synopsis, this was one boring movie until the zombies showed up. And I for one loved the foretelling signs of the zombie horde lingering like a storm over the city. The opening funeral scene paid homage to Romero, and though they didn't do anything for about a half hour you knew they were always lurking just outside the camera frame. It seems the director, though, was going for a Rodriguez/Tarantino style ala 'From Dusk Til Dawn' by giving us this cops and gangster story before getting to the brains of the matter. It may have worked if it weren't for one small classic French cinema technique, noir. More importantly the use of long, drawn out scenes of tension intended to make the audience uncomfortably connected to the main characters. During scenes of drama it only made me wish it would hurry up, dragged the story down, and basically made me want to kill someone, like the director. Again, I say all this totally understanding the fact that a zombie movie is truly the study of the human condition. So I can accept the struggle these two groups have with learning how to work with each other in order to survive. Turmoil in the group is going to cause people eventually to go their own way and bad things are going to happen to the ones that deserve it while heroes will die valiantly. So that I accept. But when the sickest individuals start discussing violating a hobbled female zombie in the middle of their escape I expect them to get eaten. Not turned into heroes.



Which finally brings us to the zombies. These zombies were amongst the best I have ever seen! A lot of love and creative know how went into the effects and the over the top battle scenes I have been describing as a cross between 'Dawn of the Dead' and 'Evil Dead 2.' it would be easy to believe that the director was aiming for creating the longest zombie fight scenes ever and I do believe he's in for the record. We have hand to hand combat and various weapons in play here with the best and longest going to our self sacrificing hero who took on a whole horde with a machete while standing on a car. If I were to rate this movie purely on the zombie story it would get a 10. But alas...One can't help but ask themselves, how did the characters miss the fact a zombie apocalypse was happening around them? How many times must they shoot a zombie before realizing headshots are all that put them down (especially after actually seeing it work)? It is an interesting twist though that one would find revenge more important than self preservation in the end (this is not really a spoiler btw).




I was lucky(?) enough to catch this film on a big screen at this little art house theater downtown. Those of us in Albuquerque know it as The Guild (http://www.guildcinema.com/) and it's actually a pretty cool place to catch a film you might not get to see in the bigger movie houses. The film was presented as the last of their October Midnight movies that featured many other such on the fringe foreign and B-rated movies. Some people even came in costume and they gave away a few door prizes that comprised as soundtracks or DVD copies of some of the films they'd shown. I didn't win anything but even so I enjoyed the small theater atmosphere and everyone there was happy and lively. I think enjoyed the “oh shits” and general laughter at the absurdities on the screen more than the movie itself when it comes down to it. I am definitely looking forward to more movies there and strongly urge if you ever have the opportunity to do so yourself to follow up on it. Damn the quality of the film, atmosphere can sometimes be everything!

So there you have it, rating up to 10 I give the cop drama a 4 for being too dramatic and too French (if you like long painful tension though it's truly for you). Looks like I went with a 10 on superb zombies! And I'll go with an 8 on presentation, The Guild is awesome but sometimes the movie kills the atmosphere. That averages to an almost unworthy 7.3333333333333333333333333333333333333333 (and so on). As far as cop drama goes it is pretty tedious, but I'm a firm believer that adding zombies to anything will make it better. Just cut out some of the drama a bit.
'Til next we bleed,
JP

Devil (2010)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1314655/

My Synopsis: Five shady characters trapped in an elevator and one may be (the/a?) devil. Oh! And there's a tweest!

Comments: By now it's no secret that I am a masochist. There's nothing I like more than torturing myself by watching ridiculous crap that had no reason for existing. But in my defense I do these things for you. That's right, I am the self appointed martyr of the bad film world. I subject myself to cruel tortures to prove not only that my opinions have to be correct (I mean how can I vocally assault something without seeing it) but I also do it as a service to you, my faithful reader, as a warning to what you should undoubtedly avoid. I crucify myself for you, I am Jesus! Ok, that's over doing it. I have no delusions of savior. But I hope I save someone with this review. Although judging by the fact he keeps making movies (or adding his name to them) there are far more sadistic people than me out there.
'Devil' begs the question, even if you were making a supernatural flick with twists and turns, why would you think having M. Night claim it would help you? Now if Rod Serling was still alive I could see it, we're talking track record of quality stories, something M. Night is grossly lacking at this point. So much so the studio quickly went into damage control mode by limiting his name being mentioned in the trailers. It didn't stop it from dominating the open credits, of course, exclusive contracts rule. Apparently 'Devil' is executively produced by Shyamalan and is part of the M. Night Chronicles. I'm both unsure and worried as to which chronicles he is referring too. I can only assume it is a chronicle of movies 'inspired' by him. All the promo for this movie says “from the mind of.” This is a scary thought, especially since, and it pains me to admit this, 'Devil' doesn't even match up to Shyamalamadingdongs usual standards. Let me explain...

We'll begin with the story. Now I honestly don't care to be spoiler free, not just because of the usual ridiculousness of Night movie twists, but also because the first fifteen minutes makes the end obvious. Even so here's your warning, if you are determined to be 'shocked' by the twists stop reading now! Ok then, for the rest of us I continue...



As previously mentioned; five shady characters are trapped in an elevator - a mattress selling con man, a bad attitude temp security guard, a spoiled rich girl, a bitter old woman and a PTSD ex-marine. I know, it sounds like a joke. Which it pretty much is. The character development was almost non-existent and that which did exist popped in so fast that if you blinked you would have missed it. Which is why the only thing I remember about the old women and rich girl is spoiled and bitter. Now the PTSD guy is easy to remember because more time was spent on his flashbacks. Which means he's more important than the rest. Which leads us to the cop who also has a lot of baggage in the form of losing his wife and kid to a hit and run driver he can't seem to find. I think you know where this is going. Long story short, while trying to figure out how to get the people out of the elevator, as they one by one get killed off during power outages, the twist unravels without many questions. Thus not very Shyamalan like. Everyone knows a M. twist usually involves the most ridiculous answers. This made too much sense! In the meantime we get to watch the people stuck in the elevator become suspicious of each other as they are one by one killed off.



Finally, there was a worthwhile thing to mention about this movie. The end. Not just because it was over, although that was my favorite part, but the old woman that appears at the end was a very good devil. And though Mr. PTSD gets redemption (not sure why it was even offered to him while the others were indiscriminately eliminated, maybe because he was the only one with a little guilt) the devil woman gets the best line in the whole movie. 'Damn, I wanted you.' I can't say an hour and a half of crap was worth getting to that line, but it worked for me.

So, the lesson the movie is trying to teach us is that sinners will get there's, Hispanic elevator techs can prove the devil is around by dropping jellied toast and it landing jelly side down, and that M. Night should not only stop making movies, but inspiring them as well. Also, I really think Bruce Willis should have been in it. He would have made a great old lady devil.



Yea, you know it's true. Awesome call back to an earlier review no?

'til next we bleed...
JP