The Horde (2009)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1183276/

Sara's Synopsis: and I quote; "it's like someone wanted to make this awesome cop drama but realized it sucked so threw in zombies!"

Comments: I love zombie movies! No, seriously, there's a reason I amwriting one, I want to be a member of the same club as the great Romero; and I think I have a pretty cool idea. Besides that I talk about them constantly on The Creepercast, I bask in the glory of AMC's 'The Walking Dead' (of which we discuss live, as it happens, during commercials, on The Creepercast Presents 'The Walking Dead' live podcast). Along with that, then, I obviously love to watch any and all zombie movies no matter how good or bad. That includes 'The Horde (Le Horde)' brought to us by a want to be Romero in France. I have to say honestly, the zombie part of the movie is awesome, and I have admitted on the regular podcast that I understand that zombie movies are more about human interaction than cannibalism and headshots. I also realize that if you cut all the drama out of this movie it would only be about 30 minutes long. But I also don't think that would necessarily be a bad thing.

Ok, here's the web of drama in brief - so these cops are operating off the grid with the intent of wiping out these gangsters that killed a partner. We find out later the dead cop was operating off the grid when he got killed and is the baby daddy of the only female member of the team thus a love triangle between the dead cop, the female cop, and his brother the cop. Both of which, with a couple others, are the ones seeking revenge. The two main gangsters are brothers originally from Nigeria where really bad things happened to them. The leader brother is ruthless but sensible while his younger sibling is impetuous and easily lead astray by their sick and twisted companion "the Carny." Apparently their thing is cocaine since there is a lot of it. Both groups have a couple other members but they are mostly there to be shot or eaten. Oh, and there's also this old guy that serves as comedic relief and the buffer between the cops and gangsters. He's pretty sick and twisted himself having been in the great war and refers to everyone not worthy of life as chinks. Bored yet? Well then good thing this all happens at the same time as the zombie apocalypse!



As Sara mentioned in her synopsis, this was one boring movie until the zombies showed up. And I for one loved the foretelling signs of the zombie horde lingering like a storm over the city. The opening funeral scene paid homage to Romero, and though they didn't do anything for about a half hour you knew they were always lurking just outside the camera frame. It seems the director, though, was going for a Rodriguez/Tarantino style ala 'From Dusk Til Dawn' by giving us this cops and gangster story before getting to the brains of the matter. It may have worked if it weren't for one small classic French cinema technique, noir. More importantly the use of long, drawn out scenes of tension intended to make the audience uncomfortably connected to the main characters. During scenes of drama it only made me wish it would hurry up, dragged the story down, and basically made me want to kill someone, like the director. Again, I say all this totally understanding the fact that a zombie movie is truly the study of the human condition. So I can accept the struggle these two groups have with learning how to work with each other in order to survive. Turmoil in the group is going to cause people eventually to go their own way and bad things are going to happen to the ones that deserve it while heroes will die valiantly. So that I accept. But when the sickest individuals start discussing violating a hobbled female zombie in the middle of their escape I expect them to get eaten. Not turned into heroes.



Which finally brings us to the zombies. These zombies were amongst the best I have ever seen! A lot of love and creative know how went into the effects and the over the top battle scenes I have been describing as a cross between 'Dawn of the Dead' and 'Evil Dead 2.' it would be easy to believe that the director was aiming for creating the longest zombie fight scenes ever and I do believe he's in for the record. We have hand to hand combat and various weapons in play here with the best and longest going to our self sacrificing hero who took on a whole horde with a machete while standing on a car. If I were to rate this movie purely on the zombie story it would get a 10. But alas...One can't help but ask themselves, how did the characters miss the fact a zombie apocalypse was happening around them? How many times must they shoot a zombie before realizing headshots are all that put them down (especially after actually seeing it work)? It is an interesting twist though that one would find revenge more important than self preservation in the end (this is not really a spoiler btw).




I was lucky(?) enough to catch this film on a big screen at this little art house theater downtown. Those of us in Albuquerque know it as The Guild (http://www.guildcinema.com/) and it's actually a pretty cool place to catch a film you might not get to see in the bigger movie houses. The film was presented as the last of their October Midnight movies that featured many other such on the fringe foreign and B-rated movies. Some people even came in costume and they gave away a few door prizes that comprised as soundtracks or DVD copies of some of the films they'd shown. I didn't win anything but even so I enjoyed the small theater atmosphere and everyone there was happy and lively. I think enjoyed the “oh shits” and general laughter at the absurdities on the screen more than the movie itself when it comes down to it. I am definitely looking forward to more movies there and strongly urge if you ever have the opportunity to do so yourself to follow up on it. Damn the quality of the film, atmosphere can sometimes be everything!

So there you have it, rating up to 10 I give the cop drama a 4 for being too dramatic and too French (if you like long painful tension though it's truly for you). Looks like I went with a 10 on superb zombies! And I'll go with an 8 on presentation, The Guild is awesome but sometimes the movie kills the atmosphere. That averages to an almost unworthy 7.3333333333333333333333333333333333333333 (and so on). As far as cop drama goes it is pretty tedious, but I'm a firm believer that adding zombies to anything will make it better. Just cut out some of the drama a bit.
'Til next we bleed,
JP

Devil (2010)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1314655/

My Synopsis: Five shady characters trapped in an elevator and one may be (the/a?) devil. Oh! And there's a tweest!

Comments: By now it's no secret that I am a masochist. There's nothing I like more than torturing myself by watching ridiculous crap that had no reason for existing. But in my defense I do these things for you. That's right, I am the self appointed martyr of the bad film world. I subject myself to cruel tortures to prove not only that my opinions have to be correct (I mean how can I vocally assault something without seeing it) but I also do it as a service to you, my faithful reader, as a warning to what you should undoubtedly avoid. I crucify myself for you, I am Jesus! Ok, that's over doing it. I have no delusions of savior. But I hope I save someone with this review. Although judging by the fact he keeps making movies (or adding his name to them) there are far more sadistic people than me out there.
'Devil' begs the question, even if you were making a supernatural flick with twists and turns, why would you think having M. Night claim it would help you? Now if Rod Serling was still alive I could see it, we're talking track record of quality stories, something M. Night is grossly lacking at this point. So much so the studio quickly went into damage control mode by limiting his name being mentioned in the trailers. It didn't stop it from dominating the open credits, of course, exclusive contracts rule. Apparently 'Devil' is executively produced by Shyamalan and is part of the M. Night Chronicles. I'm both unsure and worried as to which chronicles he is referring too. I can only assume it is a chronicle of movies 'inspired' by him. All the promo for this movie says “from the mind of.” This is a scary thought, especially since, and it pains me to admit this, 'Devil' doesn't even match up to Shyamalamadingdongs usual standards. Let me explain...

We'll begin with the story. Now I honestly don't care to be spoiler free, not just because of the usual ridiculousness of Night movie twists, but also because the first fifteen minutes makes the end obvious. Even so here's your warning, if you are determined to be 'shocked' by the twists stop reading now! Ok then, for the rest of us I continue...



As previously mentioned; five shady characters are trapped in an elevator - a mattress selling con man, a bad attitude temp security guard, a spoiled rich girl, a bitter old woman and a PTSD ex-marine. I know, it sounds like a joke. Which it pretty much is. The character development was almost non-existent and that which did exist popped in so fast that if you blinked you would have missed it. Which is why the only thing I remember about the old women and rich girl is spoiled and bitter. Now the PTSD guy is easy to remember because more time was spent on his flashbacks. Which means he's more important than the rest. Which leads us to the cop who also has a lot of baggage in the form of losing his wife and kid to a hit and run driver he can't seem to find. I think you know where this is going. Long story short, while trying to figure out how to get the people out of the elevator, as they one by one get killed off during power outages, the twist unravels without many questions. Thus not very Shyamalan like. Everyone knows a M. twist usually involves the most ridiculous answers. This made too much sense! In the meantime we get to watch the people stuck in the elevator become suspicious of each other as they are one by one killed off.



Finally, there was a worthwhile thing to mention about this movie. The end. Not just because it was over, although that was my favorite part, but the old woman that appears at the end was a very good devil. And though Mr. PTSD gets redemption (not sure why it was even offered to him while the others were indiscriminately eliminated, maybe because he was the only one with a little guilt) the devil woman gets the best line in the whole movie. 'Damn, I wanted you.' I can't say an hour and a half of crap was worth getting to that line, but it worked for me.

So, the lesson the movie is trying to teach us is that sinners will get there's, Hispanic elevator techs can prove the devil is around by dropping jellied toast and it landing jelly side down, and that M. Night should not only stop making movies, but inspiring them as well. Also, I really think Bruce Willis should have been in it. He would have made a great old lady devil.



Yea, you know it's true. Awesome call back to an earlier review no?

'til next we bleed...
JP

Toy Story 3D

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0435761/

My Synopsis: Andy goes to college to party while Woody and the gang go to Hell!

Comments: So those Pixar guys are amazing! And the Toy Story movies still stand as the greatest demonstration of the perfect blend of story, voice acting, and animation. We all know it's true and I really don't feel the need to spend too much time confirming it. What I do choose to address is two major elements of this movie. 1. What is the point of the use of 3D? 2. This is a horror movie!

The first one is specifically phrased as a question because I'm really not sure. It is also the thing I am actually criticizing of the two. It just seems self defeating to 3D a computer animated picture. I mean, the purpose of cgi is to make a 2D animated picture appear in 3 dimensions. So what does the new 3D technology add? Honestly, the 3D was noticeable for only about ten minutes. I kept peering over the top of the glasses to make sure what I was seeing was supposed to be 3D. And yes, most of the time it was the usual blur, but the only time I noticed it in true 3D is when we were looking over a characters shoulder. Maybe I missed something? I welcome comments on this one!



Now for the second observation, this is one scary movie! I don't intend to spoiler-rific here, this movie, as is the case with all Pixar films, is totally worth seeing. But I will say the story content seems well above suitable for the age group these movies usually cater too. I mean, these toys get brutally punished for losing faith in their boy Andy. Which just made me realize this chapter in the Toy Story universe especially could be the subject of a very long religious paper with Andy as God, Woody as the Christ figure and the rest of the toys as disciples. In fact this whole movie, which can often be the case with Disney movies, is very biblical in nature. But that is not the focus here, I will leave those observations for a film student or evangelical minister to explore. Besides I usually try to avoid such analysis in favor of viewing each movie for it's entertainment value rather than it's religious implications. I only mention it now because it is integral to seeing Toy Story 3D as a horror movie.



Anyway, believing Andy does it want them they set out to find a new place in which they can get played with, because that is what toys want more than anything (it's been awesomely explained to me that, for the toys, being played with is equal to getting attention, as in, god is not showing them attention so they look for one that will, but I digress back into a religious discussion). As the new toys in the day care they are forced, by the purple Teddy bear and his mob (or cult followers) to be locked in the toddler room, where the toddlers torture and maim them in ways Jigsaw hadn't thought of yet! Before the end of this adventure they literally find themselves in Dantes Inferno. The images of their experience are as graphic and visceral as they can be considering we're dealing with toys. I have a hard time imagining this wouldn't scare a child, by the time they faced the flames of Hell I was scared!



There are a few other things that lent to the belief that this film may not have been intended for It's usual target audience. There's metro-sexual Ken (the gay undertones are hardly under, sure it confirms what we all guessed, and Michael Keaton is as always, brilliant) apparently Buzz is more sexy in Spanish mode (to me he seemed a touch more like Pepe lePu then Latino amorado, just seems like a stereotype that should some day be layer to rest), and, if the mangling of the toys has taught us anything it is to seriously reconsider having kids. Toddlers are vicious!



In conclusion, though I still believe it is an interesting chapter to the Toy Story saga, it made me question much about it's place in the whole scheme of the Disney Universe. That is not to say I didn't like it though. 3D aside, it is a very entertaining horror movie that deserves 3 out 5 Barbie heads. As always I welcome comments and opinions!

'till next we bleed
JP

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987)

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093873/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_%27n%27_Roll_Nightmare
http://www.allmovie.com/work/41779



My Synopsis: 80's hairband lead-singer takes on demon/alien/stop motion creatures and wins by slinging back his long blonde tresses and screaming in RATT falsetto.


Comments: Does anybody remember USA Up All Night ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USA_Up_All_Night )? It use to air on Friday and Saturday nights on, of all the networks, USA. Basically the whole point of the show was to pair unbelievable bad movies with unbelievably bad comedians Gilbert Gottfried or Rhonda Shear. Granted many of these movies were cult classics or best of the worst, you can read all about them on the link provided earlier and even see a list of what was aired during their reign. Anyway, Rhonda or Gilbert would say funny(?) things about the movie between commercial breaks while you watched the movie between Rhonda or Gilbert breaks. It was a great way to stay “Up All Night,” something I as fond of doing in the late 90's after my band got done with a gig. Unfortunately it usually lead me to “Sleep All Day” (see how I made an 80's music reference there? Brilliant! Doubtful it will happen again) but for some reason no matter how bad the movie, or the Rhonda and Gilbert, I didn't seem to mind. Well, getting to the point, 'Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare' was one of those movies I do remember seeing one sleepless night. I don't, however, remember if it was with Rhonda or Gilbert, but am pretty it didn't matter since both were equally annoying. Besides, the movie was enough of a distraction from them that I remembered everything about it, except the name, up until earlier today when I stumbled across it, and the cover photo reminded me.

In my defense, and in addition to an earlier statement that any movie about musicians would make me want to see it (and though this movie also has musicians they are really actors pretending to be the real musicians that recorded the music for the movie – not to mention the real band and fake band not only share names but the fake band even “plays” the songs in the movie), but it usually happened that any movie with any variation or promise of “Rock 'n' Roll” in the title usually pulled me in as well. I don't know, I though it worked out well with 'Rocka-doodle Doo.' Then of course who can blame me for enjoying in some 80's nostalgia and who doesn't love hair band guilty pleasuring. So once I was reunited with the film I couldn't resist in a repeat experience, without Rhonda or Gilbert, in the daytime (probably still should have been sleeping), over ten+ years later.



Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare is about a rock band who end up in the middle of a confrontation between Heaven and Hell. That is to say that their record producer tries to tuck them away into this old farm house (known to to have once belonged to a disappeared family) that has been converted into a recording studio in order to complete their eagerly anticipated album. As time progress the rockers and their girlfriends start acting strangely, and all but the lead singer become victims to hellish design. The singer turns out to be some kind of demon hunter called “The Interceptor” and a battle between heaven and hell ensues while behind them a hair growing soundtrack swells. This movie was made for $100,000 over seven days of shooting in Canada and was produced/written/starred/soundtrack by Jon Mickl Thor (front-man for the band Thor, who also starred in an MST3K featured film called 'Zombie Nightmare').

Sadly, that is about all there is to say about the movie, there's an obvious reason why it was good “Up All Night” film and it was mostly because Rhonda and Gilbert were almost welcome faces in the light in the film. Ok, no that's not true. This movie is a brilliant example of how cheap and easy it is to make an amazingly simply monster movie, using amazingly insane story elements. The monsters look more like aliens, one even looks like a spewing penis, and Thors metal god saving the world is both silly and amazingly fitting for the time period and the image he represented. Though the sex scenes were long, it was good to know that 80's boobs and ass look the same as today's. A lot of thought and attention was paid to Thor's image as a hair band front-man, it's probably best that he didn't have to stretch his acting abilities beyond becoming a warrior against evil (because everyone knows that metal musicians are 'for' not 'against' evil). The music was also fitting and beautifully cliché, the scenes of the band actually playing through a song, the drummer messing up, and ego's galore was both realistic and believable. While taking cost, source, and time period into consideration, this movie was perfect, for making fun of for all eternity. Indeed worthy of cult, Up All Night, and MST3K worship and for that I give it 3 power chords out of 5. The points are based on Thor did all the music, that its awesomely bad, and the penis monster. Not a serious horror flick, but seriously good for wasting a few sleepless hours on.



Apparently this movie earned serious cult status by spawning a sequel... 'Intercessor: Another Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare' (2005) according to http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480075/. Please, if anyone knows how I can acquire a copy, I am sadistic enough to want to know how an 80's hair band lead singer would fair in the 00's!

It actually reminded of a movie I use to watch every Halloween when all the festivities were over and I was good and drunk of the same type and period called 'Trick or Treat.' I will undoubtedly write about this Halloween so stay tuned or whatever! In the mean time, “keep one fist in the air and one foot in the gutter”

Farewell from the beast and I,
JP

Necessary Evil (2008)

Necessary Evil (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1084733/



FEARnet Plot Description: “An insane scientist is testing a deadly drug on helpless patients in an insane asylum. A hard-nosed cop and a novice journalist set out to investigate, but what horror they discover may cost them their lives.” Watch now for free http://www.fearnet.com/movies/b20128_necessary_evil.html

My Synopsis: Lance Henrickson uses demon DNA to take over the world!

Comments: For those of you don't know this, FEARnet is awesome. It's like an online version of SCIFI channel that only deals with horror. So basically every month they stream several B horror films that you might not otherwise hear about, and many you have. Currently they seem to have many of the AfterDark Horrorfest: 8 Films to Die For (http://www.horrorfestonline.com/)series available. Which only makes sense since After Dark has become the source for the newest and greatest in upcoming horror directors/writers. 8 (yeah, really) new films are presented every year around Halloween. Does anybody remember Full Moon Features (http://www.fullmoonfeatures.com/)? They were this awesome film company that cranked out the best/worst B stuff in the 90's with cheesy fx and even worse acting. Well After Dark is like that only more tech savvy. Anyway, I digress badly since the movie being reviewed isn't either an After Dark or Full Moon presentation. But I do promise to address films from both companies in the very near future. Where I was going with this is that FEARnet is awesome. Anything I review from their site is available for free viewing for a limited time and I highly suggest you do so. It's a great way to get your horror fix and watch, for free, entertaining schlock you would undoubtedly never pay for. If you have take note of how silly that was as you watch it again for free. The only thing you lose is time, which can be unforgiving so learn to be like me and multi-task, i.e. watch/listen to a movie while typing the review!

So 'Necessary Evil' boasts 2 very important actors to the genre. The first is Lance Henrickson, and you should know that if he is involved there are two things you can expect, that the movie is wonderfully horrible and that he will act the shit out of his role. In this case he is the evil scientist, even better! The second is Danny Trejo, again proof of the same first impressions without even seeing a minute of movie. In this one he is military muscle possessed, golden! It promises already to be both amazingly ridiculous! Now the only question left is whether or not that is good or bad because it obviously could be either. As the movie begins Danny is being a bad ass and Lance is being evil. Thus hopes were high, would reality bring them down?

Well, it started with a possession, then an abduction, then we got this investigative reporter (played by up and coming scream queen hottie Kathryn Fiore – 'Hatchet II') who wants do a report on the strange practices of a pharmaceutical conglomerate (run by mad scientist Henrickson of course) and is apparently going nuts, and tests are being done on this family that seems to be kind of demonic. As are Henrickson and his business partners. Danny Trejo kicks ass from the start but his position in all this unclear until much later in the movie. Henrickson doesn't begin as your standard insane scientist. Oh yeah, and there's a Jewish cop (Greg Collins – various TV appearances including 'True Blood') investigating the disappearance of the family who seems to know more about demons then he lets on. And were do cops find desserts at crime scenes? I must know!

A very slow moving film, but somehow the cops investigation leads to/coincides with the reporters actual demons are teased for awhile. The few sexually jokes are out of place and add nothing. But it's good to know that demon DNA can help create a race of powerful humans.

“Necessary Evil' has got be a SCFI channel movie. The acting is all sub-par except of course for Henrickson, Trejo's part is merely minutes long (2 at the beginning, a few more near the end, he's of course a ruthless henchman). Though the story is intriguing, it is that and Henrickson that really kept me watching, whenever the story lagged or he wasn't in the scene I started working on this review. The concepts of this movie weren't necessary or even really evil. That much said I give it 2 glowing syringes out of 5. Lance is totally worth the time wasted on watching this movie though, maybe I'll raise it 3 glow stick syringes. Nah, 2 ½ is about all I can give up. Maybe if you edit out all the stuff that is not “necessary” it would go up. Like all the Henrickson/Trejo scenes and the last 20 minute, beware of the tweest, but it's works! Maybe I'll upgrade it to 3 out of 5 just for that.

'Til next we bleed,
JP

Deadgirl (2008)

Deadgirl (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896534/



My Synopsis: Joaquin Phoenix finds the secret to eternal youth, teams up with another punk kid to lay waste to an old asylum where they find a supposedly naked dead girl chained to a table. Instead she's a real naked living dead girl. The boys have there way with her, even though Joaquin has reservations, hilarity ensues!

Comments: There is no ending to the lengths that people will go through in order to find their niche or create a new angle in order to establish themselves as contenders to the zombie genre and this movie is no different. It's very much a 'West-side Story' with a zombie plaything. Ultimately, director Marcel Sarmeinto (this being her third independent project) and writer Trent Haaga (who has been all over the b-horror market in the last ten years, including the latest addition to the 'Toxic Avenger' franchise), seem to be taking 'Fido' to another level, the consequences are indeed different and far less comical, but definitely follow the same moral connections. That much said, lets really bite into this one...



In my defense, Shiloh Fernandez ('Jericho,' 'Cadillac Records') does look like a younger Joaquin Phoenix without the lip scar. Oh yeah, he plays the lead misfit (Ricky) with a conscience that discovers the living dead girl. Anyway, Ricky is a misfit because his mother is never around and her drunk boyfriend is, go figure. He also has the hots for the popular girl in school but not being a football player has slimmed his chances. His buddy J.T. (Noah Segan – 'Days of Our Lives,' 'Fanboys') is just a plain freak who see's a naked living dead girl as an opportunity for some fun. Ricky and J.T. don't really see eye to eye on how best to treat said naked living dead girl and the story unfolds from here.

JT and his buddies quickly get bored with just using her as a sex toy and start torturing her to alleviate stress as Ricky finally gets the balls to hit on his crush and her asshole boyfriend kicks his ass, showing off his true colors. Well as usual one of the misfits runs his mouth and they are forced to show the popular guys the girl. Asshole bf is peer pressured into mouth raping the living dead girl which ends in the only way possible. Unfortunately you don't see much and the guy apparently didn't lose anything. Instead he disfigures her face and runs away crying. The 'West-side Story' develops as expected.



This movie is a morality play for sure. JT is sick and twisted with what he wants to do too and with the living dead girl and doesn't seem to have an issue with her demonstrated interest in eating flesh (she also takes the chunk out of dog). Ricky seems to have an empathetic connect to her but is easily overpowered by JT and his preoccupation with the girl of his affections. Asshole boyfriend was bitten, I think we know what to expect. His character development is fairly limited. I don't really feel I am spoiling much, if you've ever seen a zombie movie there are certain things to expect.



'Deadgirl' is thankfully more a psychological horror that plays around with the a fore mentioned moralities and messed up values of today's teens. I say thankfully because you don't actually see the asshole bf get his johnson bit and all gore is pretty much limited to blood or quick flashes. Trust me that's all you need for the asshole bf in the bathroom scene. JT's downward spiral is complete by the end of the movie, upon realization that the girl is not just living dead but a traditional zombie he envisions a harem. The stalking of future living dead girls is an amazingly disturbing scene. The good news is that everyone gets what they deserve in the end. You have to see it to get what I mean. Although the twist is the only expected.

So to the judgment scale, I'm giving this one 4 out of 5 living dead girls based on originality, some interesting twists, and all in all a excellent addition to zombie-lore. It stands pretty strong as an independent film and definitely does an excellent job establishing the director and writer as an upcoming force. Where it falls flat is in its use of cliché teenage issues and characters. Though it would be hard to imagine it told from any other perspective. If you have no problem with teenage boys acting horrible, zombie girl torture, the occasional blood splatter, and an obvious ending, then this is a must to add to your collection.

'Til next we bleed,
JP

Vampires Suck (2010)

Vampires Suck (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1666186/



My Synopsis: Vampires suck... good. Team Jacob BITCH!

Comments: Yep, I admit I had to see this one. I mean, after all that Twilight, Eclipse, New Moon, Green Cheese, Man in the Moon stuff I was ready for it. And I was realistic about too, I know the possibility of yet another movie parody was likely to suck even worse then Date Movie and definitely more than Disaster Movie. The “Movie” franchise has been suffering greatly since the creators lost touch with their roots the “Scary”s. So I really did walk into this expecting, if nothing else, to at least be glad to see the Twilight world get kicked in the ass. Thankfully I wasn't let down.



Drawing entirely from Twilight, emo child Becca moves in with her father in a small town that also harbors vampires and werewolves, er, rather, were-dogs. Quickly she is drawn to Edward Sullen, the vampire boy of her dreams that is truly sullen. In the meantime, Jacob, a boy she use to play house with is pining after her. Sounds familiar right? So far pretty close, Becca is indeed having issues with the boys, digs the vampire even though he has a vow of chastity (promise ring and all) and finds herself stuck between Vamps and Weres. The differences are already starting to show, first Ed has a virginity thing going on while Becca just really wants to get laid. Very funny in the light of a Mormon woman wrote Twilight and that Edward is supposed to be every teenage girls dream. I kept remembering the Jonas Bros. South Park episode. Becca explains her infatuation well... Edward is the object of forbidden fruit which she can never have (yea! Like the apple! I get it! Jacob is right, very profound). Wereas Jacob is steadfast and loyal. That's mostly because he is a were-chihuahua.



This movie is apparently a spoof of both Twilight and Eclipse although I can embarrassingly only vouch for the first. But all the books make an appearance at one point. There are a few incidents in which the jokes or pratfalls seem to have nothing to do with the story but Buffy the Vampire Slayer makes an appearance which sort of makes up for it. This is par for the course when watching spoofs as random goofiness apparently makes a much funnier movie.

Things to look out for: Becca has the same annoying pushing-hair-behind-ear habit as Bella (priceless!), cat!, Edward and his segway, 10 minutes of screen time equal shirtless, The Black Eyed Peas, cat!, bling, family jewels, and so much more! CAT!

I'm going to give this one 4 out of 5 chipped fangs. Mostly because I was sick enough of the Twilight vampires to want to see them made fun of. I kept one point to myself because the random goofiness and prats got boring after a time and didn't hold up to the rest of the humor. I think I can go out on a limb and suggest this one to fans and non-fans of Twilight if only because it's a great reality check. Or lack of reality check. Really. Cat!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampires_Suck

Becca Crane: So are we going to be uh, at the same school?
Jacob: I go to school at the reservation.
Becca Crane: Oh, it must be fun to gamble and drink all day.

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story (July 28th, 2010)
By Andy Rash
http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Little-Zombies-Love-Story/dp/081187723X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1283988020&sr=8-1



My Synopsis: Even when cute little zombies attack the destroy reflex can't be ignored! But what if the love of your life becomes one of them!?

Comments: In a world inundated by zombie survival guides and tips of all kinds there comes this delightful little book! Presented as a children novel with silly drawings and words that flow easily to the ten little Indians song I couldn't help but read every page while standing at Borders. An excellent table book and companion to your zombie collection!

The Runaways (2010)

The Runaways (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1017451/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Runaways_%28film%29





My Synopsis: Bella and Dakota have all but grown up and the only vampire is a record exec. No surprises.



Comments: I have always been a sucker for movies based on real life rock-stars. Maybe it's the historical elements, the nostalgia, the love of the music, the debauchery... you know I'm not really sure what it is but there's something about Val Kilmer's Jim ('The Doors' -1991- brilliant) and Mark Walberg's Ripper ('Rock Star' -2001- surprisingly awesome). It's even more brilliant when the lead actor takes it upon themselves to become their character and sing all the songs themselves (i.e. Kilmer and others), which is why I have actually been looking forward to a Janis Joplin movie starring Pink (who has proven she is a voice replica, i.e. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsoxuKhYZeY). So the idea of film based on the book written by first lady of punk Cherie Currie about the 1970's all girl band The Runaways I was more than interested. I mean, this is the band that spawned Joan Jett and Lita Ford. The baddest assed chicks of rock and roll! But as time progressed I was getting less and less interested upon discovering Kristin Stewart ('Twilight') and Dakota Fanning ('War of the Worlds' and, you guessed it 'Twilight') were playing the title roles (Joan and Cherie). Teenagers playing teenagers in the drug addled world of sex and rock and roll is one thing, but these two are the spokespeople for the vampire loving emo kids of America! Then, of course, the movie opened nearly no-where (granted, saved me a ten spot) and was impossible to find elsewhere. Until the other night of course, when I somehow managed to make it through all 106 minutes.

Plot: Greedy record exec brings four attention starved teenagers together into a punk rock band and pimps them out until they are used and abused beyond recognition.

Same old story, slightly different view. The only good things about this movie are the depictions of 70's rock and roll lifestyle (seen it) and that Dakota actually sings. Yes, this is good, she sounds really close to Cherie. Other than that this movie is about Joan Jett's drive for rock super stardom and Cherie Curries sinking into druggy depression. I was disappointed that Lita Ford wasn't really explored beyond her bad attitude. She was the maven of heavy metal after all. I had a hard time believing that Kristin or Dakota had a clue of what drugs even were much less how it felt to be on them and the sexual escapades were clumsy. All I really understood is that Joan Jett was gay. Surprise!

So I gave this one 3 out of 5 chords, allowing it one point for being musical, one for Dakota actually singing, and one for a hell of a choice in lead actors. Beyond that if you want to know anything about The Runaways I suggest checking out any of the links below and downloading their most popular song “Cherry Bomb.” If your whole goal is to see Kristin and Dakota in a pedophiles cross dressing dream maybe the movies for you. But, spoiler alert, there's nothing to see. Take that you sickos!

For more on The Runaways (the real band)



http://therunaways.com/
http://www.last.fm/music/The+Runaways

Despicable Me (2010)

Despicable Me (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1323594/



My Synopsis: The “Forty Year-old Virgin” has joined Disney in a quest to rule the world!



Comments: Is it safe to say that Steve Carrell is the hardest working comedian in show business today? I mean seriously, this year alone there's “Date Night,” this movie, “Dinner for Schmucks,” and he still manages to make his stage calls on “The Office.” He's come a long way since “40 Year-old Virgin” and can sill pack in the laughs. Lending his voice to “Despicable Me” wasn't a bad move, and the movie is everything one could expect.

When I say everything that one could expect I unfortunately mean it fits in well with it's predecessors. It's set perfectly into the quirky family animated movie mold and does very little to stray from the formula. That is not to say the movie wasn't good, it was a fantastic representation of the genre, but it's originality is fleeting.

Ok, so it's not a Disney film, it's really by universal. In it we find a world that apparently has an underworld that caters to arch villains. In walks Gru, an evil genius that enjoys playing dirty tricks on children and planning impossible heists like stealing the moon. He is sort of a mix between Dr. Evil and Lex Luthor and sounds like an ex-gastapo scientist, so you know he's for real. Unfortunately his plan is thwarted when the local villainy bank refuses to fund his moon stealing scheme because he has been recently replaced as the top villain of the world by a geeky “super” villain named “Vector” (Jason Segel) that is half Bill Gates and half Howard from “The Big Bang Theory” who is lucky enough to also be related to the villainy bank loan officer. Gru does have a few things in his favor, he has many minions, millions of little yellow guys that do his bidding (although sometimes they misunderstand the biddings). There's also his hard of hearing lead scientist that often confuses such demands as “make me a dart gun” with “make me a fart gun.” As you can well imagine insane humor is to follow.



In traditional feel good family movie manner, we discover Gru always had big dreams as a child that were continually being shot down by his sometimes realist, most times just plain mean mother (voiced by Disney favorite Julie Andrews). Not the least of which was the desire to be an astronaut and visit the moon. Thus his need to steal the moon and at least fulfilling this one childhood dream. As if this, his loss of standing as Evil Villain of the world, and a young upstart thwarting his every plan at world domination wasn't enough. What would such a person need in order to make his life that much better?



Why to have three cute little orphans move in of course! Sure, it all starts as the perfect plan to use the kids in order to pull of his scheme to steal what he needs to complete his plan from Vector. But we all know how it's going to end up. Thus just like every movie that involves children from, “Big Daddy” to “Up,” Gru has to go through self discovery. He must struggle with reclaiming his position as Super Villain, steal the moon, get his mother's approval, learn the folly of his scheme, and basically learn the value of family.

I want to say the story line is tired and that this movie couldn't pull it off. But then I would be lying. The mishaps are indeed funny, all the heart warming and impending sadness are well enacted, and the over all theme of family shines even in Gru's world of insane villainy. It delivers on all important and expected ways. Though predictable and formulaic it tackles the subject matter creatively and different enough to make it an excellent movie. If nothing else I've learned the importance of minions and intend to get a few before I make any more plans of world conquest.



With that, I'll score it 4 death rays out of 5. I held back one because it is still the same old story. Even though it is not original enough to be totally killer it is very enjoyable to watch poor genius Gru deal with the many mishaps that come his way. I also may have failed myself seeing this in 2D. I'm sure the fart gun is more impressive in 3.

Farewell from the beasts and I,
'Til next we bleed,
JP

The Last Airbender

"The Last Airbender" (2010) Dir. M. Night Shyamalan
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0938283/



My Synopsis: Start with a perfectly good 3 season Nickelodeon animated series, take all the season one scripts and chop out what you think is the best parts (without watching even 5 minutes of 1 episode), smash it all together into a 2 hour greatest hits package starring relative unknowns and the “Slumdog Millionaire” kid and what do you get? A twist! A twist! Nope, not even that, unless you count the knife being twisted into your back for believing that Shyamalan couldn't mess it up.

Comments: Ok, so it's a lesson I should have learned a long time ago and for some unexplainable reason I always end up buying into the belief that Shyamalan can make a good movie. I mean “The Sixth Sense” wasn't horrible and “Unbreakable” was actually pretty entertaining. “Signs” had great promise but logic inevitably failed (aliens allergic to water attack a planet full of water to harvest people – made of water), “The Village” was almost a successful period piece (if the period was now and the village were a commune, “Lady in the Water” and “The Happening” well, had nothing happening. But I digress, this was supposed to be about Avatar. No wait, “The Last Airbender.” Avatar was a scifi remake of “Dances with Wolves” while “The Last Airbender” was the murdering of a kids TV show. You know where I think Shyamalan went wrong? He quit asking Bruce Willis to be in his movies.



Anyway, so I fell for it again in the hopes that if given a beloved concept that already came with ready made scripts than M. Night couldn't mess it up. I was wrong. I'll get the good stuff out of the way first since there was so little of it. Noah Ringer was without a doubt the perfect Aang. He looked, sounded, and moved exactly like his animated alter ego. There is no doubt he's done his research. Nicola Peltz was a reasonable Katara. Apa was very big and Momo was interesting. Now on to the crap...

Mr. Shamalama, his name is Aang (long A + ng, not Ahng, watch the show, listen, oh wait, someone didn't do his homework)! Sokka is supposed to be comic relief. He was not funny at all. Every character, for the most part, can be associated with a race of people. In the animated series many of them were Asian so I can see a need to delineate. But the Fire Nation is Chinese! That much is pretty well written by their names and way that they speak, traditions, etc. I wouldn't expect an Irish director to make them Irish I will not accept an Indian making them Indian. I'm sorry if the bad guys are Chinese, it has nothing to with politics or personal preferences. It's just that they fit the characteristics.




This is where I get to pretend I don't know the real story this movie is supposed to be telling and treat it as if I were just any person walking into this movie without a preconceived idea of what it is about. Guess what, 103 minutes later I still don't know. The story moves so fast and gives so little information all I understand is some kid has to save the world from these fire guys while the fire guys are hunting him down and want to take of the world. Oh! And one of the fire guys hates him but saves him in order to keep hunting him because he has daddy issues. Not to mention there is no real resolution by the end (it is only one of the three seasons) and obviously there are meant to be sequels. Fortunately the movie sucks so bad, with ratings so horrible that the sequels will undoubtedly be killed. Based on what we learned from earlier Shyamalan movies this could have been avoided if he would have just got on hands and knees and begged Bruce Willis to star. Who knows, he might have been a good Aang (Ang not Ahng).

Apparently M. Night has a back up plan though. A new movie about a bunch of people stuck in an elevator and... unknown to all of them, one of them is the Devil. I hope it stars Bruce Willis, he'd make an awesome devil.



From the beasts and I,
'Til next we bleed,
JP Hunt

Nightmare on Elm Street 2010

A N i g h t m a r e o n E l m S t r e e t ( 2 0 1 0 )

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179056/

My synopsis: Rorshack flips out, mugs Freddie for his sweater and claws, kills John Connor and a Twilight vamp (only proves he may not be all bad), and tries to kill a friend of Veronica mars and the “Youth In Revolt” hottie.



Comments: Basically a mash up of the first 4 Freddy movies that strips out Freddie's charm and panache. This is a seriously emo interpretation with dark and grainy cinematography, annoying use of blurs and ground cameras, slow pacing, and morose acting. The trademark scenes were either barely there (i.e. Freddie's clawed hand between Nancy's legs in the bathtub) or a strange combination from the original movies (the hallway that turns to liquid; even the way Freddy is defeated – I know, spoiler, but seriously, is it?) which made them both predictable and boring. There is no element of horror in this movie, though Freddy's interest in children is laid out in graphic detail (he is a chi-mo) and his vengeance is based more on his desire to finish what he started rather than the children paying for the sins of their parents. T

This is not the pop culture archetype that we know and love, this Freddy is far from his sadistic humored self. That much said, can you believe they were green lighted for a sequel? This would be the true horror of this film. It's no wonder Craven damned this project from the start. It never stops amazing me when a writer takes another persons work, mixes it all up, then claims it is theirs.

I give it 1.5 out of 5 stars and that's being generous. If you can manage to stay awake through the whole thing it is pretty cool to see the way film makers jumbled everything together. You can here Jason and talk about it more on our podcast... (Creepercast on www.hilltoppodcasting.com).

My advice is if you want to continue worshiping Freddy as serial killing icon, stick to the original series!

'Til next we bleed!
JP Hunt

Solemn Promise

Hello me and anyone/everyone else who may actually be reading this. I haven't been a very good blogger, i must confess, but this is my solemn oath that I will be better in the very near future. The intent of this page is essentially for me to blow off steam, review and discuss movies, music, television, pop culture, and life; which i truly intend to do very soon. In the meantime you can hear me and my friend Jason discuss horror movies on The creepercast located at www.hilltoppodcasting.com and read current comments on our Facebook page (creepercast). That much said... coming soon to this page...

Reviews... Movies...
"The Last Airbender"
"A Nightmare On Elm Street" (2010)
"Despicable Me"
"Kick Ass"

Reviews... Music...
Rob Zombie - Hellbilly Deluxe 2
Five Finger Death Punch - War Is the Answer [DELUXE EDITION] (CD/DVD)
Avenged Sevenfold - Nightmare

Scripts in progress...
"VZB (Volunteer Zombie-killing Brigade)"
"No Trespassing"

Script segments...
"VZB(Volunteer Zombie-killing Brigade): Origins 'Lt. Sangre'"
"No Trespassing"

and much much more...

from the beasts and I
JP

If We Were Zombies

So Zombie movies are amongst my favorite horror movies (i know, who doesn't love zombies?) and admittedly i have been listening to way to many Jonathan Coulton songs (what do you mean you don't know who Jon Coulton is? WTF? Well its education time then, goto http://www.jonathancoulton.com and listen! You might recognize at least one of the songs. And you might understand where the influence came from). Anyway, I always said if i got back into making music again I'd want to be more like Jon. The other day the idea for this song hit me and therefore i had to write (those who write understand the "have to" part) it. So here are the lyrics as I have just completed them. Comments, suggestions, etc. are welcome. OR reflections on your favorite zombie movies etc. are also welcome. Now i need to get out the guitar and figure out how the melody goes.

If We Were Zombies
J.P. Hunt
(Mar. 24th, 2010)

Lying here with you, your head resting on my arm
Watching as poor barbra is running through the graveyard
While you softly snore, I can't feel my arm no more
Meanwhile the dead are at the door just looking for a bite to eat
I look down at your pretty face, flex a finger I can't feel
As ghouls on the tv screen all seem to like their meal
It makes me kind of hungry so I gently seek relief
In the kitchen later while preparing my own feast
I find myself wondering what if you weren't really sleeping?

Images of living dead, plagues all part of government tests;
bloody grins, intestine slurping...
I quietly listen to hear your breathing... weeewh!

But this whole thing has got me thinking
how bad could it really be?
and could I shoot you in the head
if you were the living dead?

If you were a zombie - I think I'd love you anyway
I might even let you snack on me
Yea, I think I would
As long as you weren't the brain eating kind
To that I think I would probably mind
I'd have to protest the thought anyway
Assuming that I could

This morning when I woke up, I desperately had to pee
Except rule number two says stay away from the bathroom
Besides you beat me in there, I hope that you’re aware
That there’s no where to run if the undead are waiting
Then my love you’d end up a human Happy Meal
It makes my bladder ache so I go outside for relief
Mid-stream I fear being the living Kill of the Week
Somehow I survive, so I warily wander inside
Where I find myself wondering what if it were me instead?

Me among the living dead, gorging on italians;
Chinese, Soul, and Indian...
Is it true they all taste like chicken?.. sigh

But this whole thing has got me thinking
would I still be in love with you?
and could you shoot me in the head
If I were the living dead?

If I were a zombie - Would you love me anyway?
We could be an awesome zombie couple
The first in history
As long as we weren't the brain eating kind
To that I think I would probably mind
I'd have to protest the thought anyway
Assuming that I could

We could chase people up and down our street
Have a candle lit dinner on a fat guy named Pete
I could be your Fido and you could be my Kat
Necrophelia eachother, honey, I'd be down with that
Go hang out at the mall and sample all the fooda
Maybe even have a baby like Andre and Luda

If you were a zombie - I think I'd love you anyway
I might even let you make a snack of me
Yea, I think I would
As long as you weren't the brain eating kind
To that I think I would probably mind
I'd have to protest the thought anyway
Assuming that I could
If I were a zombie - Would you love me anyway?
We could be an awesome zombie couple
The first in history
As long as we weren't the brain eating kind
To that I think I would probably mind
I'd have to protest the thought anyway
Assuming that I could

Reflections & Envy

Random...

So everyone tells me that in Michigan, where i am from, it is a sun shining 70 degrees. Their are birds chirping, the snow is almost gone, everyone is out in shorts and t-shirts... But here in New Mexico, where i am, there is intermittent snow showers and sun at a balmy 40 something degrees. Thankfully the snow doesn't stay, it pretty much disappears during the minutes of sunshine, but still. Global warming is failing me now. Any minute now the the fault lines will move and asteroids will blow us all away. I for one am hoping for a front seat. I'll be sitting next to Woody Harelson like in 2010. "It's beautiful!" BOOOOOOM!